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How I became the leader of the USSA
#1
I got up last week like I always do, I made me and my partner an avocado toast, worked out for 4 hours straight and spent another 2 praying to Judeo-Allah. After my morning routine was complete, I was exhausted and required my daily intake of soy. So I put my LGBTQIAPP T-shirt on and put my favorite leather "I punch Nazis" jacket over my ripping abs and biceps. I mounted my Harly Davidson motorcycle, sliding my ass down the big black cock shaped joystick used to shift gears. When I got to the local Starbucks, I was relieved to not see a single white person in sight. I thought that this would be an easy day. All of the beautiful people of color looked upon me with scorn for my hideous white complexion at first, but saw that I had my "SOLIDARITY" forehead tattoo meant to remind me of my privilege and a barcode on my shoulder. The air of unease dissipated and the POCs resumed nani they were doing before. I walked up to the counter and greeted my good friend Mohammad Abdullah Hasad Bin Laden and took a moment to gaze upon his gorgeous brown skin adorned in black moles with strands of hair poking out of them. I asked him for my usual in Arabic and he shouted at me for being arrogant enough to request that a person of color serve me. I was ashamed at this mistake, so I apologised and after receiving my 20 lashings I went behind the counter and made myself a soy latte topped in my own white tears.
I walked back in front of the counter and thanked my good friend Mohammed for making me check my privilege. He told me that I owe him $16.79 for the latte, but luckily for me, I'm an ancom and so money has no use to me. I handed him a 200 dollar bill and sat alone at one of the tables, making sure to not intrude on the personal space of the delightful people around me. It was then that things got interesting. A man with an orange skin complexion waddled into the sacred safespace, his fat rolling with each step like ocean waves. I was taken aback. Could it be? No, impossible. But deep down I knew I recognized that shitty yellow toupee anywhere. He grabbed a pregnant trans woman by the pussy, ripping her fetus out and devouring it in front of everyone. Possibly the kindest thing this monster had ever done, but it did not excuse his past transgressions. I stood up and yelled "BLORNALD BLOMPF, YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THESE PEOPLE WILL BE IGNORED NO LONGER! HOW DO YOU PLEAD?" His head snapped 180 degrees in my direction. He was shocked that a white man, let alone a clone of his design he had once considered his own son was now challenging his reign of terror.
I broke the silence "I said... HOW DO YOU PLEAD?". He finally responded "Trial by combat" all of a sudden, Republicans in KKK robes jumped out from under all the tables. There was at least 20 of them, but I dispached of them quickly, breaking arms legs and necks like twigs. One snuck up behind me and nearly did me in, but J.K Rowling appeared with a wand and Avada Kedavra'ed him. We both gave eachother a nod, her end of the bargain had been completed. When she disappeared, my focus returned to the orange dictator who was now groveling at my feet. "Please son, spare me I've seen the error of my ways! Just please don't kill me!" I almost considered taking pity on him, but then I remembered all the children separated from their families in his concentration camps. "You're Judeo-Allah's problem now" I grabbed him by his underwear and pulled him into the air, ripping all of his cloths off, exposing his tiny, pathetic penis that Stormy had described as "Toad from Mario" so long ago. I had not realized the description was so literal. His toad penis shrieked as it was exposed to the light. At the last minute, he pulled a gun from out of his rectum "I've got you now!" I easily broke his arm and made him drop the killing machine before disposing of it for good with a solid stomp. It was time to end this. I took him outside and flipped my motorcycle upside down and slowly grinded his face off with the back tire before finally doing him in with a punch that went straight through his head. Everyone stood up and began clapping. I returned home triumphant, and kissed my boyfriend Tyrone Watermelon. He took his bar scanner and scanned my barcode so he could tell it was me and not some other whitey. As a reward for my actions he pounded my ass all night. And that is how I became the leader of the USSA.


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#2
eugh
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#3
that's how i met your mother's son
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#4
Good post. Caught me off guard
Chad is pretty rad.
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#5
Gave me a hearty kek
yup
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#6
shitpost
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